By GARY CORSERI
Reporting from Purgatory
In an unprecedented psy-ops attack, the Iranian terrorist organization, known euphemistically as the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, sent speedboats after a fleet of U.S. naval craft in the international waters of the Strait of Hormuz yesterday. (See map.) A heavily accented voice (something apparently pasted together from old Bela Lugosi movies) threatened to “explode” the U.S. warships.
Petty Officer Paul Wolfowitz (no relation to Paul Wolfowitz) said, “Yikes! These guys are nuts!”
Chief Petty Officer Donald Rumsfeld (no relation to Donald Rumsfeld) said he almost missed the whole thing, since he was watching the Oprah Winfrey show below decks. “I sure was upset when I heard about it,” he said. “If we was goin’ to blow these bastids outa the water, I didn’t wanna miss it. Not even for Oprah!”
In related news, chickens in Oklahoma have been attacking foxes, sheep in Wyoming have mauled wolves, and Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary by boo-hooing about how hard her life had been since she and Billary had left the White House.
Said the former Shrillary Hillary: “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen. It’s a long way to Tipperary. But it’s a Grand Old Flag.” Her courage and indomitable spirit brought tears to her supporters’ eyes. Her husband, Billary (formerly known as Slick Willy) was also seen to be tearing up. “She’s one helluva gal,” he said. “She’s the best gosh-darn gal I know!”
Monica Lewinsky (no relation) was seen lurking in the background. When asked why she was also crying, she made an obscene gesture and scuttled away.
Barack Obama (really!) said he was not going to be deterred from his mission. Tim Russert (ditto) asked him what his mission was and Mr. Obama looked towards heaven and solemnly intoned the word, “Change.” A crowd immediately formed around Mr. Obama and started chanting, “Change!” When the chanting died down, a little girl in the audience, about ten years old, pointed out that change could be good or bad, depending on the situation. A New Hampshire highway patrolman asked the little girl to leave the premises, but she said she would stand on her Constitutional grounds—the right of assembly. She was immediately wrestled to the ground by three officers and tasered.
As the child was carried off the field, Mike Huckabee averred that he had never seen a greater display of unChristian charity. He vowed to put Christianity back in the White House. Senator Joe Lieberman protested that Christianity did not belong in the White House, but Judaism did. When asked about his health care plan, Huckabee said he was “still working on it.” A couple of minutes later, Tim Russert asked Barack Obama the same question. Mr. Obama looked towards heaven and solemnly intoned the word, “Change.” A crowd immediately formed around Mr. Obama and started chanting “Change.”
The crowd shifted screeching gears when Hillary started crying again. She said she had been working on her own health care plan for fifteen years and the fact that she still hadn’t produced anything “viable” showed how she was a hard, careful worker. She said it “takes a village to raise a child,” and the crowd got misty-eyed again and her husband turned red, blew his nose and asked for forgiveness.
John McCain guffawed. He said he had seen enough changes in 71 years to last a lifetime. Oprah Winfrey suddenly appeared and she asked McCain if he might not be too old to run for President. McCain said, “Ey? What’s that?” So she shouted the same question. McCain trotted out his 94-year old mother who said she was still glad to be alive, and that she liked hotcakes with maple syrup. “Does that answer your question?” McCain asked tersely. Oprah protested that it didn’t answer her question, and in fact she was having a little trouble seeing the relevance. A New Hampshire state patrolman approached Oprah and offered her the choice of being tasered or leaving the premises. “You can’t taser me,” she said, “I’m Oprah Winfrey!” Nevertheless, she was wrestled to the ground (it took fifteen officers five minutes) and she let out a long, thin, eldritch wail—above which McCain declared that America was the best democracy in the world and that, theoretically, he did not approve of torture, but sometimes a little aerial bombing was necessary to subdue restive civilian populations.
Just then, Mitt Romney’s gold-plated limo drove by. Mitt stuck his steel-cut jaw out the window, sliced the January air in two, and hundreds of dollar bills flew into the sunlight like so many finches. John Edwards was seen scrambling to pick up a few.
“What has our country come to?” asked Dennis Kucinich. Thin and small, he had taken refuge in the shade of a New Hampshire pine cone. Ron Paul came by to offer solace. “We need to end the war,” Paul said. “A trillion dollars wasted over there that could be doing good right here.” Kucinich agreed. “We could have single-payer universal health care right now,” he asserted. “I wouldn’t go that far,” Paul said. “Let’s not rattle all the boats at once.”
Speaking of boats, the Iranian government accused the United States of “fabricating” the incident in the Persian Gulf. President Ahmadinejad invited the president of Columbia University to address students at the University of Tehran on the issue of “Civility, Common Courtesy, and Respect for Foreign Dignitaries.” The President of Columbia University declined to speak at any event organized by the “foul, little, darkie monster in Eye-ran.”
Our eye-in-the sky crew report that chickens have continued to harass foxes in Oklahoma. Sheep are killing wolves.